Smash Humor Trilogy: Bonus Features
by Andre Dmitri Garrett
Summary: Now included with every box set of the Smash Bros Humor Trilogy, we have the Bonus Features none of you have requested! Production Note: None of you are getting the box set since the Trilogy is incomplete. Enjoy!
1. Introduction

Disclaimer: The author is uncertain of his sanity and therefore his work cannot be taken seriously. Also, I'm back. Just in case there was a doubt. Again again.

Smash Humor Trilogy Bonus Features

Chapter 1

Introduction

There was a stage.

The author walked out onto the stage, hands reattached and needle tracks in his neck from anti-zombie cures. "Hi. I'm Andre Dmitri Garrett. Writer, lover of Smash Bros, and about as impulsive as the word can possibly be, hence this. Although my desire and strength to finish the Humor Trilogy is sadly gone, my love for it still exists. It's like making the last place thing in an elementary art contest. You can't help but love it," he explained.

"Wait, are you comparing us to crap?" Fox asked, hopping on the stage.

"Shut up."

Fox drew his pistol. "Make me," he retorted.

Dmitri blinked. Fox had a point. "Okay. You're awesome and you don't pee on everything," Dmitri said. Fox shot his foot anyway. As the author stumbled away to find a first aid kit, Samus and Red joined Fox on stage.

"There were many things in the series that people were confused about, and there were parts that were changed or removed from the original script. Or at least whatever was springing from the author's hands," Red explained. "So rather than try to dig up the Humor Trilogy and unzombify it like we did him, we're presenting it to you in a bonus feature."

"We'll also have character interviews, from both Smashers and guests about the script we acted out," Samus explained. The author tried to get back on the stage, but Samus shot his hands off. So instead, Dmitri set about putting them back on with his teeth.

Fox snickered for a second. Then Red bumped him and he paid attention again. "We get a lot of people might not understand all of this. But it'll be good anyway, so deal with it. Enjoy your bonus features, and see what it looked like behind the scenes of the Humor Trilogy."

There was a flash, and Snake jumped out on stage. He pointed a finger at Dmitri with a chuckle and paused to take a whiff of his cigarette. "By the way," he drawled, "I clogged your toilet."

"I'm flipping you off with my toe right now."


	2. Character Interview: Link

Chapter 2

Character Interview: Link

Interviewer: Link and I are sitting on the set of the Smash Mansion, specifically in the living room after a fight scene. Despite the artistic damage, the couches are comfortable. Link is relaxed, treating me as though he would anyone else. I have to admit, he's kind of cute.

Link: Sir, what did you say?

I: So Link, what was your overall impression of the Humor Trilogy?

L: To be honest, I don't even know where the name Humor Trilogy came from. We got a call about To Be Rated or Not, and after reviewing the script we decided it was a great go. So we ran it. Did all those modern terms I don't know, and that was it. Two months later, the higher ups decided they wanted a trilogy. So we worked on that, and that time we didn't get to approve the script. Because they were doing a trilogy already. I don't even know how it was supposed to have ended.

I: But your impression?

L: The author's a perfect example of genius mixed with insanity. I don't know how he came up with it, and I'm pretty sure half of it was by the stitching of his pants.

I: A pity you wear pants with your tunic now. But you enjoyed filming it?

L: ...Um, sure. We all knew each other, and it was great to see the other console guys. We rarely get to work on things together. Some of the stunts were nuts, and it was hectic, but it wasn't terrible.

I: You were in a relationship with Samus in the story. How did that work?

L: A little awkward at first. Samus is a great colleague, and we knock the stuffing out of each other every Smash battle we get. But I got over eventually. It wasn't like we hadn't acted before. And between you and me, she's a great kisser.

I: Are you in an actual relationship then?

L: Sorry, that falls under Nintendo's jurisdiction. Why? Is there rumoring out there?

I: Just makes me happy to know that.

L: ...Zelda told me something about these situations once. I wish I could remember.

I: Even better for me. But what was your least favorite scene to work on?

L: Out of the many times I was killed for laughs? The number of times I was horrified? Or that scene in Wonderland before production stopped. That was disgusting. I'm told we actually harvested Nintendo fan volunteers for that scene. I have to give them respect for that kind of dedication.

I: Why did production stop?

L: I guess the author just couldn't keep it going. One time after we'd gotten him drunk to get the rest of the story out of him—it never worked, anyway—he described it like a river. You force its path too much and it stops working right. Of course, he was really drunk by that point. Seconds before he had tried to double jump out a window. Non Smashers can't double jump.

I: We should get some drinks sometime.

L: ...I'm seventeen.

I: Was there supposed to be a no in there?

L: Zelda? Zelda where are you?

I: (Waving off security) What was the best moment you had during the Humor Trilogy?

L: Probably the off camera scenes with the rest of the gang. We are work really hard during tournaments, but they are one of the only times we get to see each other. Game development is intense stuff.

I: Are any of the Smashers anything like their script personalities?

L: You should find that out for yourself.

I: I'd like to find out more about you.

L: What's that look in your eye?

I: How were your scenes when you were naked?

L: Goddesses protect me. Goddesses protect me...

I: That reminds me. Your talking. Most official Nintendo games skimp on your voice.

L: Huh? Oh, something normal. Yeah, I'm still taking voice acting for that. In fact, the author originally had me saying almost nothing at all. If you look at the first few chapters for To Be Rated or Not, my speaking lines are as they originally were meant to be: very little.

I: Really? What changed? Did the author feel there were better aspects to a speaking Link? Because you gave some really inspiring speeches—

L: No. The author is just a freaking idiot.


	3. Deleted Scene: Pit Learns to Swear

Chapter 3

Deleted Scene: Pit Learns to Swear

Kratos was also pissed at the moment. But he was angry at something much less tangible: fear. He was Kratos, destroyer of Zeus and nearly every other major god on Olympus. There was no way he should be feeling fear about a small little angel kid who didn't even know how to swear. But he did. Kratos was terrified—not of the angel kid known as Pit—but of the terrible retribution that would come if he so much as swore in front of him.

Zeus was lucky he'd never had to deal with an angry Palutena before in his lifetime. The demigod kept his distance from the angel as he talked with his friend Red. The newborn Mew was sitting on Red's shoulder, eyes searching everywhere as they walked. If there was one thing Kratos didn't understand, it was how a red dragon gave birth to a pink cat looking thing. Didn't someone say it should have been an egg?

Pit looked at Kratos and smiled widely. Kratos promptly turned away in fear of looking cross. The angel added a little bounce to his step, happy that his training with Palutena had paid off all those years ago.

(**)

_"Now Pit, the Smash Tournament is a dangerous place," Palutena warned with a smile, always amused by her innocent-minded captain._

_ "Because we fight! But for fun, though. Can we make airplanes noises as we fly?" Pit asked._

_ Palutena shook her head and pulled Pit back to the ground. His wings were still flapping, vainly trying to rise back into the air. He was liable to just wander off unless she gave him a mesmerizing look, and then he wouldn't hear a thing._

_ "They also use bad words," she warned._

_ "Bad words? Do they need a timeout?"_

_ "Okay, try inappropriate words."_

_ Pit got it then. "What are they?" he asked. Palutena glanced around to make sure no one could hear them, and then whispered several of them into Pit's ears. Pit blushed, not because he knew what was being said, but because the goddess was really close to him. She was pretty._

_ "So why do people use them if they're bad words?" Pit asked when she leaned away._

_ "Because they're mad, mostly. But this is important. If anyone else uses any of these words, use this button to summon me, and I'll set it right," Palutena explained. She handed Pit a small device, similar to a clicker with a single small button. He nodded eagerly and put it into his robes. "Now you can be an airplane."_

_ The angel cheered and flew off, arms held out like an airplane. Palutena watched him for a moment, concerned. She had told some of the top eight about her warnings, but there was always the chance someone would just blurt it out in front of him._

_ She turned to go, until she heard just at the edge of her hearing, "I'm an angry airplane! S#$& s#$& s#$& s#$& s#$& s#$& s#$& s#$& s#$& s#$& s#$& s#$&—"_

(**)

Revan led the group since he was used to leading teams of people; in fact the once again Sith Lord was happy that his team finally consisted of more than two other people. He'd upgraded to three other people, and was showing his enthusiasm by using the Force to push things so hard they shattered.

Meanwhile, Pit and Red were discussing the Mew. "So what are you going to name him?" Pit asked. Red shrugged.

"Probably just Mew. That's what he is, after all," Red said as he scratched Mew's ears. The baby Pokémon made content mew noises.

"That Kratos guy is angry. That's what he is," Pit pointed out.

"Yes. Good job, Pit," Red said, as though speaking to an obedient Pokemon. Pit reacted just as happily.

"I bet I know what he's thinking, too," he whispered. "He's an angry Kratos, so it's f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$ f*#$—"


End file.
